It's likely you have found yourself wishing your partner was just like you and wanted them to change. The wish for our partner to change is normal but is also, unfortunately, one of the most destructive relationship poisons I know. It can take many forms, but I usually see two basic strategies in my work with couples.
I call the first strategy “enticing." Perhaps you want your partner to take bike trips with you, so to entice them to share this passion you take them on trips and might even buy them an unnecessarily expensive premium bike ("so they can ride comfortably"), and take them on trips. Sometimes this works, but more often, cycling leaves them cold.
Over time, when those efforts don't pan out, partners tend to escalate and move from enticing to the second type of pressure, while other partners start with that strategy right away. I refer to the second type as “nagging.” It starts with casual remarks and escalates into constant repetition, passive aggression, and eventually resentment because the other person doesn't do what we want. They don't exercise, don't eat healthy, aren't happy enough, socialize too much or too little, don't ski, do ski—this pressure can involve anything.
The main problem here is that as humans, we long to be accepted as we are. We want to show our essence, our true, naked self—and have it be embraced unconditionally.
Why Can't You Be Like Me?
At the beginning of a relationship, when we’re experiencing infatuation and lust, we wear rose-colored glasses (physiologically speaking, our critical thinking is offline), so we can’t even rationally evaluate what bothers us about the other person. Love creates the illusion that we are accepted just as we are—and naturally, that feels good.
A few years into the relationship however, when the hormonal haze subsides, we start pushing for change in our partner. We wish that they were more like us. Similarity is synonymous with compatibility in relationships. After all, research shows that we choose partners who are similar to us—whether in personality, education, or even in habits like drug use. Unfortunately, our selection is never perfect, and our partner will always differ from us. These differences irritate us.
And since many partnerships are monogamous, this prevents us from finding another partner who possesses those specific desirable traits (for example, someone who loves going camping every weekend or is eager to fulfill certain sexual needs). Now, the only option we think we have is to try and mold our partner to our liking.
And you probably know what this leads to: you like your partner less and less, their remarks become more and more annoying, and ultimately, you start drifting apart. The pressure for change creates inequality between you. This inequality leads to conflict.
Setting Boundaries
I believe it's important for you to make your feelings known so that your partner realizes things have gone too far. This requires the courage to argue in relationships, to not avoid conflict just because we don’t like it and want to maintain peace at all costs. Long-term peace is achieved by toughing out short-term discomfort and conflict.
It's important to clearly communicate to your partner how much this bothers you and how much you are drifting apart. It might also be helpful to delve into why it is so painful for you when your partner doesn’t like the same things or doesn't behave how you would like them to. There might be some childhood patterns and need for control at play. This exploration is useful on both sides. Couples therapy can definitely help with that.
As a couples therapist, I have witnessed some powerful moments where one partner fully accepted the other and dropped the unhealthy criticism. Those moments are truly transformative; the relief palpable. Such acceptance demonstrates that our partner is lovable with all their flaws. But, this doesn’t mean giving up on helping your partner grow—but you should support their growth in the direction they want to go. A good question to ask your partner is: "What do you want to grow into?"
Growing Together
The path to acceptance isn’t easy, nor is there a clear guide for it. It requires either personal growth from both partners or it necessitates getting your needs met individually and elsewhere—without pressuring your partner to meet them all. This applies to both partners in the relationship.
I want to also remark that there is nothing wrong with wanting to please our partner by doing things just because the other person enjoys them, as some people find meaning in that. In this sense, relationships resemble a marketplace where joys are exchanged and compromises are negotiated.
But if you still can't meet halfway, you might need to learn to live with the fact that your partner doesn’t enjoy what you do or how you do it. People who recover from long-term depression often say that a crucial moment in their recovery was when they took control of their lives. Essentially, they stopped caring so much about others' demands and started being more selfish. They redirected their aggression outward instead of inward. Freedom in experiences is also important for our relationship well-being—no one wants to be constrained by their partner’s expectations.
Commentaires