In relationships, it’s common to encounter misunderstandings, disagreements, or moments where one partner feels hurt even if that wasn’t the other’s intention. Almost every couple that I see in therapy struggles with this and I've noticed it can feel particularly challenging for individuals who view the world through a lens of justice, fairness, or a strong sense of right and wrong. Understanding the difference between intention and impact, as well as learning how to validate a partner’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them, can lead to deeper connection and improved communication. Let me show you how to get there.
Intention vs. Impact
Intention refers to what someone meant to do or say. It is internal and rooted in their personal motivations or understanding.
Impact is how the other person experiences or perceives that action or statement. It is external and shaped by their feelings, history, and perspective.
Often, misunderstandings arise when a partner focuses on their good intention, while the other feels hurt by the unintended impact. For example:
Intention: "I thought I was being helpful by offering advice."
Impact: "I felt criticized and unsupported because I wanted empathy, not advice."
It’s crucial to recognize that both intention and impact are valid. While good intentions matter, they don’t erase the hurt caused by unintended impact. Addressing both is essential to repair and growth.
Validation: A Key to Connection
Validation is the act of acknowledging and understanding someone’s feelings or experiences without needing to agree with their perspective. It doesn’t mean admitting fault or giving up your sense of justice. Instead, it shows your partner that you care about their feelings and are willing to see things from their perspective.
What Validation Sounds Like:
"I can see why that upset you."
"That sounds really difficult."
"I hear you, and it makes sense that you feel that way."
What Validation Doesn’t Sound Like:
"But that’s not what I meant!"
"You’re overreacting."
"I don’t understand why you feel that way."
Practical Scripts for Validation
Here are examples of how to navigate tricky situations:
Scenario: Hurt Feelings
Partner A: "When you didn’t respond to my text, I felt ignored and unimportant."
Partner B: “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, but I understand how it could come across like that. I’m sorry you felt ignored. I’ll try to respond more quickly next time.”
Scenario: Unintended Criticism
Partner A: "When you pointed out the mistakes in my report, it felt like you didn’t think I’m capable."
Partner B: “I wasn’t trying to question your abilities, but I can see how that might have felt critical. I’m sorry for how that came across. I’ll be more mindful about how I offer feedback.”
Apologies That Address Both Intention and Impact
An effective apology acknowledges both your intention and the other person’s feelings. It doesn’t need to be a confession of wrongdoing if your intention was positive, but it should validate your partner’s experience.
Formula for a Helpful Apology:
Acknowledge the impact: "I can see how my actions hurt you."
Explain your intention (briefly, without defensiveness): "That wasn’t my intention; I was trying to [insert intention]."
Express care and a willingness to improve: "I’m sorry for the hurt I caused. I’ll try to [specific action] next time."
Example:
Partner A: "You forgot about our dinner plans, and I felt like I wasn’t a priority."
Partner B: "I’m sorry I forgot. That must have felt really disappointing. I wasn’t trying to dismiss our plans; I got caught up at work. I’ll set a reminder next time to make sure this doesn’t happen again."
Navigating a Strong Sense of Justice
For individuals with a strong sense of right and wrong, it can be challenging to let go of being "correct" in favor of being connected. Relationships often require prioritizing empathy and understanding over proving a point. Here are some strategies:
Shift Focus from “Right vs. Wrong” to “How Can We Connect?” Instead of asking, "Who’s at fault?" ask, "What can I do to make my partner feel heard and valued?"
Practice Reflective Listening: Repeat what your partner has said to ensure you understand their feelings. For example: "So, you’re saying that when I did X, it made you feel Y. Is that right?"
Reframe Justice as Fairness in Emotional Needs: Fairness in relationships isn’t about rigid rules but about ensuring both partners feel respected and understood.
Comments